Its lockdown which means you’re probably spending more time with your partner and things can get heated up. let’s get real. A lot of couples struggle with this in their relationships. I know most of my clients did. The right way to criticise, because they realised that their ways wasn’t giving them any satisfactory results. After hiring me, they understood that if they learn to do it correctly, they won’t end up pissing their partner off and push them away when in fact all they wanted to do was to improve things between them.

 

As with everything else in life I say, there is a way to go about communicating with our spouse and once we learn those ways, we can experience much more pleasant feelings in our marriages/relationships. This is an art and art requires certain skills so invest in learning the necessary skills.

 

Some people do not set any boundaries when it comes to criticising their partner. At times, even their criticism kind of becomes an insult, which naturally does not make the other side admit their mistake.

 

The basic philosophy of living together is to bring two people together to pursue a path of growth and perfection in this world. Humans can grow only once they start to work on their weaknesses one by one. Meanwhile, it is human beings’ ignorance and neglect that prevents all defects from being achieved.

 

     1. Treat your partner with a positive attitude

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The main purpose is for you and your husband to solve your problems in a way where both of you still feel respected and loved. So, if your approach is positive when criticising, your partner won’t feel that you don’t love them anymore. The opposite of love is judgment. Your either loving or judging. Don’t push them to put their guards up against you but instead love them with positivity.

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     2. For every criticism you mention, come up with 9 things you admire about them

 

When we feel loved and respected, we can take criticisms a lot easier. By using this step, you create a wonderful stockpile of positive emotions that makes it a lot easier to tolerate transitive feedback and possible discussions.

 

     3. NEVER  EVER compare your partner while criticising

 

Remember how when we were kids we hated it when one or both your parents compared us to someone else’s kid? How horrible it felt? Yeah exactly! So don’t do that to your partner.

Don’t bring up anyone in specific such as their siblings or friends. If you ever do want to compare them, then compare them with themselves. For example, you can let your partner how you loved the fact that yesterday their undivided attention was given to you and you felt truly heard (you give the feeling of authority to them as well as giving useful information).

 

     4. Be aware of when you are criticising. Timing matters

 

This is again one of those highly EQ sensitive moments that I always emphasis. If your partner is enjoying their me time in solitude, don’t criticise them. No matter how constructive, logical, positive or right you are, it will still ruin their pleasant moment and as we say kill their buzz. Similarly, as soon as they come back home from work, is definitely not the right time for such matters. Let them relax, freshen up, have some time to themselves, come to their sense, have food etc first. Then you must assess the situation accordingly after all those primary needs are taken care of , whether it’s a suitable time to have a chat.

Make sure you are also in a calm, logical state rather than an emotional one. If you are angry, you must time some time to yourself (go for a walk, change location, take lots of deep breaths, take a cold shower, write your thoughts on a piece of paper and then burn that paper) to calm down first before talking about it with your partner. Under no circumstance we have the right to throw our rage onto them as it is our own perceptions of things that have got us feeling that way in the first place. When we come from a place of anger, we cannot make our partner understand us but instead we make them feel bad about themselves and confused. You are not the enemy, so don’t act like one.

 

     5. Avoid unconstructive criticism. Always keep it constructive.

 

Avoid criticising about matters that have limited or impossible room for change. For example, criticising about a person’s physical features, skin colour, body type etc results in emotional discouragement and potentially other harmful results. You also want to avoid criticising your partners’ family, siblings and so on. Yes, you’d be surprised how many couples actually do this. These are all things that cannot be changed and you should have thought these things through before deciding to be with this person anyways. If you’ve decided to be with them, that means you have accepted all those areas that literally cannot be changed. So always remember this point as it can leave your partner feeling resentful and hurt.

 

     6. Criticism is not an insult

If a couple see in each other any weakness(es) that might be harmful to them or their lives, they must be able to logically and peacefully convince the other party of the weakness(es). If a criticism, can result in more love, passion and connection between the two, it won’t ever be counted as insult. It is the lack of communication, feelings of hurt and the destruction of a relationship than is more of an insult.

 

     7. Criticism is not about losing balance

 

Just as an unconstructive criticism at the wrong time can seriously damage a relationship and turn the environment from sweet to utterly bitter, a healthy, constructive criticism can prevent hostility and unnecessary arguments.

Criticism if done at the right time, right place, right way in accordance with the principle of balance and equilibrium, is a highly effective educational method. On the contrary, it should be no surprise that extreme ways of criticism end up in negative conditioning of our partners.

Remember, you are an adult, capable of having a mature conversation. Keep yourself gathered and resourceful before communicating with your partner.

 

     8. Avoid implicit criticism

 

In expressing criticism, never use emphatic expressions or sentences that begin with singular second person pronoun. Sentences like: “you have to understand that…”, “You always want things to be how you say they should be”, “your behaviours are always like this…” etc. You don’t want to generalise their mistakes and mention that to them which in turn becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This not only doesn’t make their behaviour any better, but makes a couple more distant from each other and make their problems worse.

Instead you can say: “I feel a lot more peaceful when…”, “ I find it a lot more attractive when you…” and generally using words and sentences that sound more pleasant to listen to. This optimises and builds your criticism to a much healthier level.

 

     9. Criticise ONLY to remove communication barriers in the relationship

 

We have different types of communication: secure, avoidant and anxious. It is only effective in a secure communication for spouses to criticise each other.

In the avoidant form of communication, spouses end up wanting to get rid of each other in one way or the other which ends up super hurtful and disrespectful.

The anxious communication is when criticism is used for defusing your own stress and not your partners’.

Criticism in the form of secure communication is most feasible as using the other two types of avoidant and anxious imply that we are involved in our own hardships rather than wanting to help improve our partner or the relationship as a whole.

 

Let me finish on this note: If possible, try suggestions instead of criticisms. They are way more effective. E.g. Instead of saying: “why do never go out for fun?”, you can say, “I feel great when we go out for some fun activities.”

E.g. Instead of: “Why are you home so late? where have you been?” you can say: “I was quite worried, did something happen?”

 

Be friends with your partner, focus on their good qualities, all the things they do right as opposed to what they don’t do right. Whatever you focus on the most, you create more of. Misunderstandings are bound to happen, as you two are two different worlds living under one roof, its normal. How you communicate your needs and feelings to each other is what makes a beautiful harmonious relationship. Don’t assume, don’t avoid, don’t ignore, don’t push away, communicate openly using the above tips before things get worse between the two of you.

 

Nobody wants to feel miserable, so don’t be the source that makes them feel that way or they will grow more and more resentful. Do the opposite, and they wouldn’t want to be away from you.

 

Here is one of my all-time favourite quotes by William James which has been a game changer for me and my clients:

 

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated” ;) 

 

APPRECIATE him/her, deeply, even if you don’t feel so now, and you will see the miracles it will bring to your relationship/marriage. 

 

NOW you can actually communicate with your partner and criticise/suggest in a healthy manner in order to experience a more loving marriage because you my friend learned new skills today.

 

Here’s to you making the most of this lockdown

 

Your Coach

Kiana

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